The Art of Child Counselling: When 'Being With' Is the Doing
Children are not mini adults. It sounds obvious, but it has a lot of implications for what counselling with children actually looks like.
When a child comes into my room for the first time, it usually wasn't their decision to be there. Their parent might be worried about them, their school may have suggested counselling, or a GP or another professional has recommended some additional support. Sometimes the child agrees that something is difficult and they want some help. Sometimes they're not really sure why they're there. And sometimes they would much rather not be there at all.
There are also usually already quite a few ideas about the child before I've even met them. I may have spoken with their parents and know what they're worried about. There might be concerns from school, reports from other professionals, diagnoses, or descriptions of behaviours that people would like to see change.
All of that information and context matters. Part of my role is being able to hold it, while still meeting the child with curiosity and an open mind.
Because they may have a completely different understanding of what is happening. They may not think there is a problem at all, or the thing bothering them might be quite different from the thing the adults around them are worried about. They may be anxious about meeting me, unsure about what counselling involves, worried about what I might tell their parents, or simply much more interested in what I have on the shelves in my room.
I want to understand what makes sense to them. What do they think is happening? What feels difficult from their perspective? What matters to them, what do they enjoy, and what do they wish the adults around them understood?
But I don't necessarily need them to tell me all of that straight away. Expecting a child to sit down with a relative stranger and talk openly about the most difficult parts of their life is quite a big ask.
Sometimes we need to spend time getting to know each other first.
That might happen through playing Uno or another game, drawing, making something in the sand, listening to music, or talking about football, Minecraft, friends, pets, or a very specific interest that I know absolutely nothing about and they are more than happy to explain to me in great detail.
Over the years, I've become much more comfortable with the idea that sometimes the being with is the doing.
There can be pressure in therapy to do something. To teach a strategy, ask an important question, work towards a goal, or make an intervention. Therapists can feel that pressure too, particularly when a child is struggling and the adults around them are understandably worried and wanting to know that counselling is helping.
There is absolutely a place for strategies, psychoeducation and more direct therapeutic work with children. I use all of those things. But I also don't underestimate what is happening while I'm simply spending time getting to know a child.
While we're playing a game or talking about something they love, I'm learning about them. How they communicate, what makes them laugh, what they avoid, what frustrates them, how they respond when something doesn't go their way, how much control they need, and what happens when I get something wrong.
At the same time, they are getting to know me. They are noticing whether I listen and remember, whether I'm genuinely interested in the things that matter to them, whether I'm going to push when they don't want to talk, and what happens when they say no. They are gradually working out what kind of adult I am, and whether I might be someone they can trust.
For lots of children, that takes time. It takes regular, consistent sessions where the relationship is allowed to develop at the child's pace rather than mine.
This can be particularly important for children whose experiences of relationships haven't always felt safe or predictable. Some children have learnt that the world can be a scary place, or that adults aren't always available or able to understand what they need. Adults can be distracted, overwhelmed with their own needs, inconsistent or simply misattuned. A child may also have become very used to adults talking about their behaviour, telling them what they need to do differently, or making decisions about them.
I can't tell a child that I'm different and expect them to trust me because I'm their therapist. They need to work that out for themselves, through what happens between us over time.
This is also why progress in child counselling isn't always obvious from the outside. Sometimes it is. A child might be less anxious, coping better at school, talking more openly at home or managing big feelings differently. But sometimes the changes I notice in the room are much smaller.
A child who barely spoke to me at first starts chatting while we're doing something together. Someone who previously shut down when I got something wrong tells me that I've misunderstood. A child lets me help when they previously wouldn't. An important conversation happens in the middle of a game, almost as an aside, and then they keep playing.
Those moments don't usually come because I've finally found the right question to make the child talk. They come because enough has happened between us that the child feels able to let me a little further into their world.
Of course, working this way doesn't mean that child counselling is directionless, or that I never lead. There are times when I'll offer a strategy, provide psychoeducation, introduce an activity, gently make a connection or ask a child if they want to explore something a little further.
The difficult bit is knowing when. For me, being developmentally attuned means being willing to notice where the child is at and adjust. I can have ideas about what might be happening and what needs working on, but I don't want to become so attached to those ideas that I stop paying attention to the child in front of me and their voice.
There is also a balance in holding what the adults around the child need from the therapy. Parents quite reasonably want to know how their child is going and whether counselling is helping. Schools may be hoping for changes, and there may be significant things happening in the child's life that do need attention.
Those things matter, and working with the adults around a child is an important part of what I do. But the child also needs to have some ownership of their therapeutic space. If every session becomes about the latest concern raised by an adult, it doesn't leave much room for the child's own experience to emerge.
There is no formula for getting to know a child. The ten-year-old who talks constantly while shooting basketball hoops might need something completely different from the ten-year-old who spends weeks quietly making worlds in the sand. What helps one child feel connected can make another retreat.
Knowing the theory and having a range of therapeutic approaches to draw from matters, but so does being able to put those things aside for a moment and be genuinely interested in this particular child and what they are showing me.
When a child does begin to trust me, I don't take that lightly, particularly when trusting adults hasn't always been easy for them. Sometimes what they have needed from me wasn't a clever intervention or the perfect therapeutic question. They needed enough time to work out who I was, whether I was going to stay interested in them, and whether there was room in our relationship for them to be themselves.
Sometimes, that time spent being with them is doing far more for the child than we realise.
If you're wondering whether counselling might be helpful for your child, you're welcome to get in touch. I offer child counselling and play therapy from my practice in Wheelers Hill, Melbourne, with an initial parent consultation to understand what has been happening for your child and whether I might be the right fit for them.
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