The Heart of the Therapeutic Relationship
I've spent many years sitting on playroom floors, following children's lead in games, listening to stories, sharing a laugh, and bearing witness to their inner world projected through play and interaction.
And while these moments might not look like what people traditionally imagine therapy to be, there's often a lot happening within them.
I recently attended a presentation by psychologist and play therapist Dr David Crenshaw, The Heart of Healing a Child in Play Therapy, where he explored twelve building blocks of a therapeutic relationship.
He spoke about safety and trust, empathy, heartfelt presence, deep listening, attunement, genuineness, being non-judgemental, openness, empowerment, playfulness, humour and hope.
What I appreciated most was his emphasis on the human side of therapy. The importance of really listening, being emotionally available, and connecting with the person in front of us.
Being present in the therapeutic relationship, not just knowing what to do
As therapists, we spend a lot of time developing our knowledge, learning new approaches and thinking about how best to support the people we work with. But sometimes we can become so caught up in thinking about what we should be doing, it can pull us away from being heartfelt and attuned to the person in front of us and their inner experience.
Children are particularly good at noticing this. They know when we're distracted, when we're more interested in directing their play than joining them in it, or when we're not really listening, and they often call us out on it!
And this matters just as much with adolescents and adults. Having space to share something difficult without feeling judged, rushed or immediately offered a solution can create space for a more attuned and healing experience for the client.
Making room for playfulness and humour
I also loved that David included playfulness and humour in his twelve building blocks. Therapy can involve some very difficult experiences and emotions. But there's also room for laughter, creativity, silliness and genuine enjoyment. A shared laugh, an imaginative game, or a child confidently telling you that you've got the rules wrong (again!) can all be part of building connection and allowing the therapist to connect and understand the child's inner experience.
The therapeutic relationship takes time
Not every child walks into the playroom ready to engage. Not every teenager wants to talk. And many parents and adults arrive with experiences of feeling misunderstood, criticised or judged. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone, particularly when trusting others hasn't always been easy.
And we don't always get it right, either. Sometimes we misunderstand, miss a cue or respond in a way that doesn't quite land. Being able to acknowledge these moments and find our way back is an important part of the relationship too. Rupture and repair is such an important part of the therapeutic process.
And that's the heart of the work. Being with the child, the young person, the adult, in the room. Being attuned to their experience and being curious about what emerges in the room. Alongside all the knowledge, skills and therapeutic approaches we bring, there's something deeply human about getting to know another person and allowing them to feel safe enough to be themselves.
The being with is the doing
This reflection was inspired by Dr David A. Crenshaw's presentation, The Heart of Healing a Child in Play Therapy, and his twelve building blocks of a therapeutic relationship.
